That's Life: An Overview of the In-Betweener

      I know what you must be thinking. Well, well, well, look who decided to come crawling back after her ten months of chronic absenteeism. To that, I say...exactly. You would be correct in that assessment. In my defense, I started graduate school soon after my last post, and also was working on my campus simultaneously. The workload was a lot, especially when it came to writing, so there was little for me to give when it came to writing personally in my free time. I felt drained. Could I have started back up during my winter break from school? Certainly. Did I? No, I did nott. Not because I had given up on it, not because I was done with writing. I simply decided to focus on reading instead. I read the entirety of the ACOTAR series for the first time, which was very thrilling indeed. I'll admit that it got me back into reading, and I am now on my 11th book of the year. I know it's not much, but that is the most books that I have read in a very long time, and I am proud of myself. 

    After winter break, I returned to school and my job. My mom had a huge brain surgery in January, so I was her main caretaker as well as the only person upkeeping the house. I was under a lot of pressure, and found that in the little free time I had, all I was managing to do was sleep, or play The Sims 4. I think I was in a depressive slump, but it didn't occur to me at the time. I was struggling immensely. I was unhappy in my relationship, I was unhappy in my friendships, I was unhappy at home and work. Nowhere really felt comfortable during this time. I kept pushing, though, completing my school work, going to my job. I tried to act as though everything was fine, but I think people around me began to notice over time. 

    Come April, I had an epiphany. I realized that I need to start planning for the future, truly. Through undergrad, I felt like I was moving through a river with other fish. I had a goal, a direction, and a stable environment to get me there. But once I made it to my objective, a big boulder dropped down and blocked my path, leaving me stuck in a pond. No going forward, but no going back either. This is what I mean when I say I am an "inbetweener". I feel inbetween childhood, and fully stepping into my future of indepedence. That feeling has been especially crushing while I have been attending graduate school. I am not making money, I am starting to become burntout, despite my love of education. I couldn't just float, waiting for the boulder to move. I had to actively prepare for when it does, and even begin moving it myself. 

    The last month has been hard. I am going through a breakup, I lost a good friend of mine. I can feel a very important chapter of my life closing. I think I have felt it for months, but I was resisting turning the page. Grief and mourning are things I have spoken about here before, although what I am going through now feels wholly different. I have realized how precious our time together on this Earth is. It's funny how loss will do that. I feel free in a way. I am so happy to talk to strangers. I am making more of an effort to see my loved ones, and reaching out. I am doing better at finding joy in each day, and embracing every possibility. I am feeling the sun on my skin, and spending time outdoors. I am thinking about love, and how I show it. I am not feeling bitter, but hopeful. I know who I am when it comes to love, now more than ever, I am enjoying being a caretaker again. It feels like less of a burden, and more of an act of my love. I am eating better, and I even have a plan to workout multiple times a week. Albeit, I haven't exactly enacted that plan yet, but the fact that I even went through the effort of deciding to do that for myself is a huge accomplishment. 

    I had been applying to jobs, hopng desperately that I could begin teaching in the Fall, to escape this "inbetweener" phase of my life that I felt trapped in. Weeks started going by, and I wasn't hearing back from any of the schools I applied to. I was beginning to feel that maybe this was a sign from the universe, and I was meant to be an inbetweener until I finished graduate school. At first I rejected this. I didn't want another year of being an inbetweener. I cried to myself, and made up worst-case scenarios in my head. Until I finally pulled myself together, and realized that there was nothing wrong with being an inbetweener. It was just another awkward phase of life. One that I am not alone in. Once I made that shift in my brain, I got a call for an interview for a teaching job. I interviewed on a Friday, and then yesterday, not even a week after, I recieved the call offering me the position. I was and am, eccstatic. Not because my phase as an inbetweener is facing an imminent end, but because I finally feel ready for a new beginning. I feel hopeful and excited for the future for the first time in a very long time.

    Being an inbetweener was very hard. I felt like I had no options, no path. I was kept afloat by the idea of future success and happiness, but nothing more. It never felt palpable. Once I shifted that thinking, however, I realized that this what what the inbetweener stage was about. Self-reflection and discovery. Finding the joy in the present, and being fullfilled despite the uncertainty, knowing that happiness WILL be a certainty in the future, no matter what happens. Currently I am reading Communion: The Search for Female Love by bell hooks. It is enlightening, the way hooks discusses love and the future of it. I think my transition from being an inbetweener needs to include lots of reading, and I need to study the works of people much smarter than I. Reading about theories on how to live a full life have always been beneficial for me, and I think this is something I need to commit to during these emotionally tumultuous times I am going through. 

    I am eager to step into a new version of myself. I am finally ready to turn the page. I am inching my way back into writing poetry, and reading. I feel my light returning, and I fell creativity flowing though my veins once again. I cannot promise I will come back to this blog regularly. I think I have made peace with that. I won't always be in a place where I feel reflective, or intellectual, or even just in the mood to write. But that is okay. This blog is supposed to depict my journey through adulthood, and that path isn't linear. Thanks for reading. I'll see y'all soon. 

XOXO

- Rach