2021...What Happened Again?

     Have any of you watched the "Men in Black" movies, with Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones? Well, if you have, I'm sure you remember the scenes with the neuralyzer. In the movies, the neutralizer basically acts as a mind-wiping device. Whoever is using the device can set the length of memory erased by using dials on the object, and as soon as you're flashed with it, you instantly forget your memories. I say all this because I am convinced that someone came to me in the middle of the night one day and completely wiped all of my memories of 2021 with a neuralyzer. 

    When I tell you I barely remember anything that happened that year, I am not exaggerating. I can't recall the classes I took, or any activities I participated in. I don't know who I talked to, or what I did AT ALL. There are only about 5 things I DO remember. That is my family adopting my dog Oliver and later getting our other dog Hazel, I remember coming to terms with the fact that I am Agnostic, despite growing up Catholic. I remember coming out as bisexual to my close family and friends. Besides that though, there was not much that I pulled from that year that was significant. Or so I thought, 

    You see, 2021 was a very interesting year for me, because it was true, in my real life, there was not a lot that is memorable. The pandemic was still in full swing, so I didn't leave the house for anything really, except for work. All my college classes were online, so I didn't even have to go anywhere for those. I spent most of my time alone in my room, which meant I spent a lot of time online. It began when I downloaded Twitter during the 2020 election cycle. I realized it was a primary place to follow politicians and learn about policies and view events in real-time. However, after the election was done, I mostly stayed off of the app. There wasn't really anything I wanted to see anymore, and I had never tweeted anything myself, I had only watched what others were talking about. However, with more time on my hands, I began spending more time in other online spaces. 

    It started off with mostly YouTube videos, and TikTok. But then my brother introduced me to Twitch, and a creator called Tommyinnit, who, despite his irritating persona, led me down a pipeline that I will never forget. Now, this next part is incredibly embarrassing, but it IS a part of my adulthood journey (ironically enough), so I figured it was important to talk about. Besides, this phase is one of the ONLY things I remember from 2021, so I am basically being forced to discuss it if you think about it. Here it is: I was hyper-fixated on Minecraft streamers for all of 2021. THERE! I admitted it. I watched specifically Tubbo and RanbooLive on Twitch, and would get physically upset if I missed a stream, because of work or school. Well, not even school, because it got to the point where I would be watching streams DURING my online classes. I would listen to them on my way to work, during breaks, and IN THE BATHROOM! It was bad. 

    Looking back now, it was obviously a cry for help. I was investing all of my time into these people, ingesting all of this content, just for any minuscule amount of joy that I could find watching them have fun. I was truly invested, which is why I decided to rejoin Twitter. I wanted to follow these creators on every platform! Little did I know, I wasn't the only one unhealthily obsessed with these Minecraft streamers. There was a GIANT fandom on Twitter for these people, and it was so overwhelming to me, as a person who had never been in a fandom, or even any internet space in this way. So, for the first few months that I considered myself a member of this massive fandom, I didn't tweet a single thing. I liked posts, followed other fans, and retweeted people's thoughts about the streamers, yet never made my own. That is, until around August. 

    For some reason, I decided to make a tweet, after seeing a certain stream. After that, I began tweeting more often about the creators. Most of the time, I was joking around, being ironic or silly. But people really liked that apparently, and I slowly began to gain followers. Not a lot, but enough that I was able to have conversations with people who were just as obsessed with these Minecrafters as I was. It felt so nice, to be able to talk with people about our similar interests, ones that were not easily explained to someone from our real lives. Someone far removed from the space we found ourselves in. I followed more people who were fans of the same Minecraft creators and began to reply to their tweets, despite them not following me back. Over time, many of them realized how great and funny I was, so they followed me back. Eventually, I found myself talking to these people every day, and I was added to a group chat. There were many of us in the group chat, and it was so nice to talk about our interests, joke around and have conversations. It was the first time I truly understood what it meant to have online friends. 

    After a while, my interest in those Minecraft creators dissipated. I realized I didn't care anymore if I missed a stream, and it started to feel like a chore to tune in even when I DID have time. I started going to college in person twice a week in the Fall of 2021, so I had less time on my hands. Despite all of this, I never stopped talking to any of the people I met in that space. Over time, the group chat had died down, of course. Some people have left and moved on to better things than Twitter. Others have just become less active. Yet, many of us remain. We talk about so much more than just those creators, we have become real friends to each other. I met some incredible people through that group chat who I now consider to be lifelong friends. So although that phase of mine may have been embarrassing, I will never pretend it didn't happen. Because without it, I would be a much different person and would have never met some of the most important people in my life. 

    Now, 2021 was not a huge year of change for me. There wasn't a ton of self-reflection or soul-digging. There wasn't really any self-discovery or even any huge progress in my mental state. In fact, for the majority of that year, I was extremely depressed. Despite all of this, however, I think this year was STILL important. I learned so much about being in online spaces and fandoms. I learned so much about sexuality, identity, and neurodivergence (more on that later lol). I admitted my agnosticism and furthered my leftist agenda (lol). I came out as bisexual, something that (despite it not being quite right lol) was such a huge deal for me, a person who had kept my queerness a secret for 19 years. I met friends from all over the world, and the person who would later become my favorite human being ever (shoutout bae!). All of this happened BECAUSE I spent so much time online. So people can talk about how unhealthy it is online, how toxic. And to a certain degree, I will agree. But there is so much beauty, joy, acceptance, and love in these online spaces that we often overlook. There may not be a lot that I remember from 2021, but I think what I do remember was what is truly important. 

    Well, that's the end of this memoir of 2021, if I can even call it that. There weren't a lot of memories that were shared, because I don't have a lot LOL. I hope you all enjoyed it anyway, I really love writing these and sharing. 2021 wasn't a huge self-discovery year. However, being online so often taught me so many things that I carried with me into the following year, which WAS a huge year of self-discovery and healing. I look forward to sharing all of that in my next blog about last year, 2022. You all are the best! Thanks again for reading, I'll see you soon.                             

 XOXO

- Rach