A New View in 2022

     I am currently sitting in my bed, at 10:54pm. I am writing these words, thinking about where to even begin when writing about the experience during 2022. A year ago today, I would never have even imagined I'd be in the position I am right now. Not laying in my bed, that is pretty predictable haha. I mean mentally, physically, spiritually. In all the ways that matter. 

    I am working at a job I would've never guessed I'd be applying for. I am in a healthy relationship with a person whom I love, I am taking a class that will finish my second degree. The weather is gorgeous,  I've been seeing my friends often, and I am...happy. I feel like the June 2022 version of myself would've never expected this. Yet, she was a huge reason why I am in the position I am in now. SHE changed. She worked on herself. She worked through trauma. She took risks. She PUT HERSELF FIRST. In 2022, I developed a new view of life, love, and of myself. So much happened that year, I had to create a checklist to keep track of everything I wanted to discuss in this blog lol. I didn't know where to start, but then I decided. Where better, than from the beginning?

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        In January of 2022. I was still recovering from my unfortunate phase of being obsessed with Minecraft streamers. By the end of the month, however, I was over it (luckily). I had started working at a new job in December which contributed to my getting over that part of my life. I was working much more, and had little time to spend watching any of those streamers who I previously was fixated on. I will not name the place I worked at, although many of you may know what it was anyway. It was a chain agricultural and hardware store in the United States, and that is the most I'll say. My experience there was....interesting to say the least. My first day there, a coworker made a slavery joke to me. I was in shock, and had no clue what to say. My manager at the time said to him, 

    "Now, don't scare her away on her first day!"

    Later, he apologized to me, but not for the joke itself, for "making me uncomfortable". I was furious, but was scared of causing a scene on my first day, so I told him it was alright and moved on. Interestingly enough, we were never scheduled together again lol. He ended up quitting only 2 months later. After that first day, I was immediately on the defense every time I clocked in for my shift. The clientele for that store were almost the complete opposite of me morally, and appearance-wise. I honestly am not sure what I was thinking, applying there in the first place. 

    I made 3 big mistakes during my time working at that store. Despite everyone else's opinions, I continued wearing my mask. Mistake #1. It was a Black Lives Matter mask. Mistake #2.  I believed that my managers would stand up for me. Mistake #3. Now, I know I probably should've known what was going to happen. Customers constantly harassed me, made racist and micro-aggressive comments, called in complaints about the mask. Some even wrote the company directly demanding that I be fired. So much anger, over a black mask with 3 little words in the corner. It was almost humorous. 

    For a while, no coworkers or managers said anything to me about the mask, besides asking why I still wore one. Finally, one day in June, my manager told me that one man had complained and said I was an "incredibly sweet and efficient" African American girl, but that I shouldn't be wearing a mask with "such propaganda" at work. Apparently, it was giving the company a bad name. My manager said it wasn't a big deal and they weren't gonna ask me to stop wearing it. Well, that lasted about 5 more months, because in November of 2022, after a particularly traumatizing day of being harassed twice by the same customer, my manager told me that someone from a different store had reported me for wearing the mask, and that I was no longer allowed to wear it. He said it was out of his hands. I thought this was bullshit, because our district supervisor had seen me with it, and even he never said anything to me about it. But I guess it didn't matter. I realized at that point that I was done. I put in my two weeks the next day. 

    I felt like a weight had been lifted. I had dealt with harassment from customers and apathy from staff for over a year, and hadn't realized the toll it had taken on me mentally. And that isn't even mentioning the guy who robbed the store or the guy who threatened to kill me. But those are stories for another day lol.

    That pretty much summarized my work experience from that year though! Not the best experience unfortunately, but I did learn to stand up for myself against adversity. I animal sat a bit during the year too, but working at that store was my main job. The moral of this experience, is that I realized how resilient I am. I went through hell working at that place, yet pushed through and still did my best work. I did not quit, I did not cry, and I did not stop wearing my mask. I stood for what I believed in, despite being constantly harassed, belittled, and bullied. I am proud of myself for coming out of that time as a stronger person, despite the mental scars it left me with. 

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    The next thing I want to discuss is my mental health. I entered 2022 with much better mental health than the previous year, but there was still a lot to be desired. I did not get a therapist that year, yet I did a ton of self-reflection, and personal conversations with myself through poetry, journals, etc. I began doing research, I took a psychology course in college, as well as many others where I learned so much about the psyche. After much deliberation, I realized that I most definitely have undiagnosed ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). My whole life, I am always moving. I cannot sit still, I am constantly humming. I instantaneously forget what I am trying to tell someone, I cannot tell a story straight and have to tell 3 other stories to get to the main point. There is so much more to it than that obviously, but I finally came to the conclusion one day after talking about it in one of my classes. 

    I brought it up to my mom and her reaction shocked me. She said, "Yeah, you definitely do." I was like....what? Then why didn't you tell me? Why didn't I get a 504 plan in school? It would've made things so much easier for me. Instead of teachers constantly pointing out my humming, my bouncing leg, and my anxiety. There was ALWAYS an explanation, I just never knew it. Do you know what she responded? 

    "Well, you functioned fine. I didn't see the need."

    That one statement really impacted me. It told me that she truly didn't understand the extent to which I struggled. How I STILL struggle. After that conversation, I did a lot more self-reflection. I tried to pick apart my behaviors and figure out where they stem from. I was successful with some, but not others. I basically began self-therapizing. The first thing I did, was work on my self-destructive tendencies. I created a healthy system for being online. I put locks and time limits on apps. I made it a goal to go outside every day, and I began eating better, as I used to only eat one meal a day. And you know what? It actually worked. I was the most mentally well that I had been in years in 2022.

     I worked through so much pain and truly began to love myself again. I took photos of myself, began to dress however I wanted, and experimented with different styles. I finally began to properly care for my hair and recovered it from when it was relaxed when I was young. I learned how to do makeup properly, and I wrote poems. I finally began going out again, socializing with my friends. Going to the movies, getting drinks, or even just hanging out. I picked up books and read again, for the first time in over 2 years. I had loved reading my whole life, but my depression had taken that love from me....until now. I got into meditation and crystals, I practiced mindfulness. I began embracing spirituality more and really explored agnosticism. I listened to new music, and explored new interests. I truly found myself. In more ways than one, I really began to feel joyful again. Of course, there were bad days and weeks. But during those times, I was always able to pull myself back out of the hole, whether it be with poetry, or even just a fun outing with my friends. I found joy in the little things, and felt life coming back into my being. 

    With my newfound joy in rediscovering myself and life, I began to put other things into question. One was my sexuality. During the first 6 months of 2022, I still believed I was bisexual. Eventually, by around July, I finally cut the bullshit, and admitted to myself that I never have, nor ever will be (most likely) attracted to a man. It was heteronormativity and internalized misogyny that was convincing me that I needed to be attracted to men in some way to be accepted in my life. By whom, I'm not sure. Maybe my parents, peers, friends, family. Who knows, but it was how I felt. And once I unpacked that, and finally embraced my TRUE identity, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I felt like I had no more secrets. I told my mom, brother, and close friends. They were accepting, although my mom did say "You don't need to have a label", which did make me a bit uncomfortable. It did not bother me that much though, because she is not a person who I play on talking about my sexuality with besides coming out. That is reserved for my close friends who are also queer. The people who get it. 

    In October, I did a coming out post on Instagram, letting the rest of the world know. It honestly wasn't stressful at all. Probably because Instagram doesn't feel real to me haha. Anyway, I thought I was pretty creative about how I did it. It was on Halloween, I had my lesbian pride flag in the background and was dressed as Velma, who was recently announced as a lesbian on a new show. I got a lot of support, which was nice to see. Although I had felt like I was hiding something my whole life, I'm glad that I waited to come out. I don't think I would be who I am if I hadn't. Plus, my younger self does not deserve all the suffering that would've come from being out in the school and area that I grew up in. It was hard enough being one of the only people of color, I can't imagine being one of, if not THE, only queer women of color too.

    Another thing that happened in 2022 is that I entered the classroom as a teacher for the first time. It was a surreal experience, and I was so nervous at first. I remember when a kid came up to me and had me sign her bathroom pass. I was confused as to what she wanted me to do at first. I wrote my initials sloppily and handed it back to her all flustered. Later that night, I sat in my room, anxiously practicing my signature again and again, until I was satisfied with it. I ended up falling asleep as I was doing it, pen still in my hand. 

    Throughout the semester I grew, I slowly became more confident and grew into my teacher persona. I was in the classroom with 9th graders at a city school, so the kids were hard to get to. But I brought them candy, spoke to them softly, and they trusted me eventually. By December, they were sad to see me go. And I missed them too. 

    I remember being so nervous going into it. I was running all of the worst-case scenarios in my head. What if I hated it? Three years of my life would be wasted pursuing a career I didn't even want. What if I'm bad at it and the kids hate me? What if my host teacher says I'm not cut out for it? What if, what if, what if.....But I survived. None of my fears were reality. I loved it. I loved the kids. I know it's gonna be hard, but I truly think this is what I was designed to do. To help people. To make them smile, to teach them things. To make them love learning. I know I can do it, and I am so glad I had the experience that I did because I am ready for the future, and I'm not afraid anymore. 

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    Well, everyone, that was a lot, but that's about it! Nothing else really happened in 2022, I think I just about covered all of the important stuff! As always, thank you all for reading. I love writing these and can't wait for the next one! Bye! :)

    Lol just kidding! I got you for a second there though haha. I haven't even talked about the most important thing that happened to me in 2022. I got into my first serious, queer, loving, healthy, joyful relationship. This was definitely the highlight and most impactful part of the year for me for many many reasons. It brought so many firsts into my life, helped me grow, and taught me so much. Especially regarding patience, honesty, and of course, love. I won't say too much, this blog is already way too long haha. However, I will reflect on some key moments that really stood out to me as our relationship developed throughout the year. Let me start at the beginning.

    I mentioned how we met in my last blog, so I won't go over that again. But I will say we were in the same friend group, and that is originally how we got to know each other. We were casual friends for a while, but I found myself beginning to laugh a little too hard at her silly-ass jokes when we would all play games together. Then I began to notice myself getting excited when he would say something in our group chat. Then, one day, we both decided to watch a show together, just the two of us. At that point I was still a bit shy, but there was like this energy that I was like....there's something here. Soon we began very obviously flirting with each other. I thought it was all jokes at first, but then I was like? Huh. Could this be, more? Finally, one day in July, with my new-found confidence from my self-reflection, I took the risk, and made the first move. I worded it as it could maybe be a joke so I had a cop-out if it backfired. Luckily though, it didn't, and they said she liked me too. I was like damn really? LMFAO okay, maybe there was still some insecurity even with all of my mental progress but HEY! Nobody is perfect. 

    Anyway, she was hesitant at first, because we live 6 hours away from each other, and long-distance is....well, hell lol. But we talked about it, and decided we'd keep things casual and open, learn more about each other, and see where the wind takes us. Well, the wind took us to confess our love for each other one month later and planning our Barbie-themed wedding. In stereotypical lesbian fashion. I remember when they first told me, I was nervous because I wasn't sure if it was real, or just a lot of feelings being misrepresented as love. But as the days and weeks went by, I realized it was real love. And I felt it too. 

    We talked and talked about when we could see each other. Plans were made, and then fell through. Over. And over. And over. It became exhausting. We were both so drained, but we still kept our connection. Talked every day, made each other gifts, wrote poems and letters. Calls and calls and pictures and pictures. Finally, I made a plan that didn't fall through. I went to visit him in March of 2023, and it was some of the best days I have ever had. It was like we knew each other from previous lives, like we'd never been apart. The connection was greater than I thought, which made it so much more painful when I had to leave. Many tears were shed, I think my mom thought I was never gonna recover lol. 

    After that trip, I announced my relationship to my friends and family. They were supportive, of course. I think they all thought we had just started dating, but in reality, we don't really have an anniversary date. We never asked each other to be the other's girlfriend, I think we just knew. But I decided we needed an anniversary date, so I picked August 29th. It was the day we first confessed that we loved one another. I think it works. 

    Long distance sucks, but for now, it's all we have. We have to continue to be patient, as we have been. We'll be seeing each other again soon, We keep at it every day to stay connected to each other, even the little things are important. Even though it's been hard, I wouldn't change it for the world. I am so lucky that I met her. He is such a unique, kind, funny, wonderful individual who I am grateful every day that I know. I cannot wait for us to continue to grow together. 

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    NOW this is the end haha. If you read all of this, thank you. It was a long one, but 2022 was such an impactful year of my life, and of my adulthood journey. Everything I included was important, and I only told you the highlights. I feel a little bittersweet writing this right now, because this is the last installment of my memoir section of this blog. From now on, I will be discussing what has been going on in my life so far in our current year, 2023, as well as just any topics that come to mind. I may rant about politics, spirituality, my job, hell, maybe even Five NIghts at Freddy's lore. But I will be shifting how I've been going about this so far, and it will become more of a free-form blog. Of course, I'll still be documenting my journey, but as of right now, no more memoirs. So, yeah! Again, I cannot thank you all enough for reading. I appreciate all of your kindness so much. If you are reading this, I am sure you probably already know me, so thank you for the support. As always, I'm excited to keep this going. It has been so good for me. I'll see y'all soon. 

XOXO

- Rach