Chameleon

     "The chameleon changes color to match the Earth, but the Earth does not change color to match the chameleon." - African Proverb



    Metaphors are awesome. We all know how ridiculously convoluted the English language is. However, metaphor is one of the best aspects of it. How nice is it, to describe thoughts, feelings, and experiences? In such a simplistic manner? To not have to worry about explaining yourself, because you can just compare it to an already existing aspect of life that others are already aware of. What a simple, gratifying tool. I love using metaphors. Both in my writing, and in my daily conversations. They have become a notable element of how I use language. 

    I decided to start this by discussing why I love metaphors because this entire blog is basically going to be one huge one. I debated in my head how I wanted to describe how I felt, as I have approached this topic in the past by using a different metaphor. However, the one I decided on is the chameleon. As stated by the quote above, and as I am sure you all know, chameleons possess the capability to change colors depending on the environment they find themselves in. They camouflage themselves for protection. This is how I feel every day of my life. I feel like a chameleon. I AM one. At least in the way I described. 

    My entire life, I have felt as though I have been changing myself depending on where I am, or who I am with. Friends, co-workers, adults, and family, I am never the same version of myself with any of them. I know this may seem like a trivial thing. Everyone acts differently around different people. But I feel like I do it much more. I feel like I am two-faced and fake. I feel like I am constantly lying to everyone around me. I feel like nobody knows what I'm really like, because I don't even know. Who am I, really? What is my true personality? I may be overreacting. I mean, every version of myself that I create IS me. Right? 

     I am a fraud. 

    Can someone who lies about themselves in this way to so many, ever be a good person? The thing I so desperately, try to be? I do my best to become a version of myself that those around me will like. But if I am not genuine, I am lying to them. I cannot possibly be!. One of the ten commandments, the so-called "rules" of the world, is "Thou shall not lie.". I am breaking rule #1! I don't know, maybe I am overthinking. I tend to do that. However, I can't help it. Can a chameleon like me ever be genuine? Someone who constantly changes, over and over. Not only to appease people. To hide. What is my true color? 

    I do not know. 

    I often sit and ponder all of this. Wonder if I am a good person. I am kind, that is true. I am self-sacrificial, that is also true. I am empathetic and caring. Unrelenting, and loving. But I am also arrogant. I can be mean. I can be...apathetic. Of course, no one is perfect. We all have flaws. I know that. But I also know other people like me. Other chameleons, who don't hide it as well. I judge them. See them as fakes. Liars. People I wouldn't trust, or want to be around. Those who conceal their true selves are not people who you want close. But I am one of them. At least, I think I am. So how do people see me? Why do I care so much about how I am perceived? Probably something stemming from my childhood, like most issues do. Our traumas form us, as much as we don't want them to. But mine are more than that. I tear myself apart, searching for authenticity. My self-awareness may lead to my self-destruction. 

    When am I truly authentic? Perhaps when I am alone. Or when I am writing, like right now. I have never said the words on this page aloud to anyone. Never told another soul how much this bothers me, how I hate being a chameleon, how it tears me up inside. I hate lying, I hate feeling like I am lying. Not only to acquaintances and bystanders, but to my closest friends. To my family, my partner. Do they really know me? Do they love ME, or do they love the idea of me that I have created for them? A consumable version of myself, designed specifically for them? Could I ever tell them all my true thoughts and feelings, my interests, my desires, my goals...or would it not fit the narrative that I have curated? 

    I already know how some people are gonna respond to this. I can hear it now. 

"Rachael this is exactly what masking is! You have autism!" 
"Everyone feels like this sometimes!" 
"You are overthinking this." 
"It's not a big deal"! 
"We love you, you can always be yourself around us!"
 "I love you, I love you, I love you...." 

    AH! Make it stop. Please.  

    I feel like an angsty teen, saying that no one understands me. I am acutely aware that I am not the only person in the universe who feels this way. But I am the only ME. Being a chameleon is who I am, affirmations are not enough to change that. Saying you love me isn't helpful, because you love the version I've presented and YES that is me, but WHO am I???? I don't know. 

    I. Don't. Know. 

    I am trying to work through this. I really am. Coming to terms with being a chameleon. It is easier said than done, but I am beginning to work out potential causes. My people-pleasing tendencies are one, of course. But I am also a chameleon for selfish reasons. I need to protect myself, from embarrassment. From being perceived as different. I am at constant war with myself already. I do not have the energy to fight for myself against others too. I try to fit in, yet I stand out anyway. My efforts, all for naught, 

    This blog is disjoined and messy. And I am sorry for that. But this is me. The REAL me. There are no masks in this writing. No filter, and no colors for me to change to. Nowhere for me to hide. I created this blog to document my journey, and how am I to do that if I am not being authentic? I decided to delve into this struggle of mine. I'm not sure if it will even be comprehendible to someone who isn't me, but I suppose we'll see.

   I wanted to end this blog on a more positive note, but it's late, and I am tired. And I'm not quite sure how to do that. I AM working on learning about myself, as I've said in previous blogs. I really want to start being real. As often as I can. Trying to be myself despite others' thoughts. I don't know if censoring my personality is lying exactly, but it feels like it. Being a chameleon is exhausting. Constantly changing is a feat, and I am tired. So tired. It's time for me to not think so deeply all of the time. Sometimes, maybe it's good to be apathetic. I don't know. All I know, is that I got a fucked up brain. Hopefully one day, I can change for good. Rid myself of being a chameleon. Perhaps all of my selves can disappear, and only one will remain. Or. Maybe I AM every version. Perhaps my true self, my true color, isn't a solid one. It's the whole rainbow. 

    If you read this one, thank you. I was just writing every thought that popped into my head, so this one isn't as organized. I am not proofreading it either. I am afraid that if I do, I'll lose the courage to publish this. Anyway, I wanted to share a vulnerable, side of me by talking about this intense insecurity of mine. It's something that I hope to further tackle at some point in my adulthood, but for now, it was nice to just talk about it like this. Whoever's reading this, I hope you are well. I love you, I know I do. Thank you for reading, I'll see you soon.
XOXO

- Rach

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