Pretty/Unpretty

    My senior year of high school, during one of my band competitions, I was in the school bathroom, changing into my uniform as I always did. My friends and I chatted as we changed, I came out of the stall and headed over to the mirror to fix my hair. At that point in time, I still straightened it often. As I looked in the mirror. my brain began to fixate on my appearance. Noticing every detail, flaw. I tuned out the chittering voices around me. I began spiraling, as I typically did, when looking in mirror for extended periods of time. I thought awful things about myself, about the way I looked. I made piercing comments in my head: 

    You'll never be as pretty as the others

    No wonder no one wants to be with you

    Your nose is too big

    Your hair is ugly

    You need to lose weight

    You are unattractive, you always will be. 

    Maybe you should just kill y-

    "Hi!" 

    I was suddenly interrupted from my internal self-hate speech when a girl had greeted me. I hadn't even noticed her come into the bathroom, I was so in my own head. I turned from the mirror to face her, and realized she was a member of a competing band. She was gorgeous, she had long curly hair, and was tall like me. She was clearly also Biracial, but was slightly darker-toned than me. I had noticed her many times at other competitions, and was always struck by her beauty. 

    "Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to let you know that you are so pretty! I see you every competition and I've always thought you are just so gorgeous, so I just wanted to let you know!" 

    I stood there dumbstruck for half a second. I glanced behind me to see if there was anyone there. She couldn't be speaking to me, right? But she was making direct eye contact with me. Clearly, the comment was directed at me. After I processed that she was talking to me, the flood gates opened. I thanked her profusely, and told her that I thought the same thing about her, that she was gorgeous, and that I wish her and her band good luck at the competition. She wished the same to me, and we chatted for a minute or two before I was ushered out of the bathroom by the rest of my bandmates, as we were running late. 

    I rode the high from that compliment for the rest of that week, and many after that. Hearing that someone who didn't know me thought I was pretty changed everything. I never got compliments like that from anyone. Never. Once in a while, I would from a friend or a family member, but I never believed them. How could I? I was convinced they were lying to me, just to make me feel better about myself. But hearing it from a stranger....she had nothing to gain by lying to me. Therefore, it couldn't have been a lie. She genuinely thought I was beautiful. 

    That exchange happened almost 4 years ago now, yet I still remember every detail of the moment. Those simple words truly changed my life. My perspective of beauty shifted, as did the way I viewed myself. I wonder where she is now, and what she's doing. I regret not getting her number, or even Instagram. I wish I could tell her how she saved me.

    

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    I needed to start this blog by telling that story because I believe it sets the tone well. I have struggled with my self-image and how I look most of my life. Originally I did not plan to talk about this struggle, but I recently had a conversation with one of my friends about it, and it felt so good to finally let out some of that pain. So here I am. 

    As a kid, I wasn't super insecure. I wasn't thinking about my appearance that often, and was just being a kid. That is until a boy commented on my height during recess one day when I was 8. After that, I think I became aware of what I looked like. As I grew older, my insecurities got worse. The more self-awareness I gained, the more insecure I became. Kids made comments, whether about my height, or the color of my skin. It didn't help that I was in a primarily white school district, where I was in the minority. Boys made comments, saying they'd never date me because their parents wouldn't approve, or aggressively asking what my race was. Girls said things about my hair, and my clothes, both of which were not in the best condition mainly due to my family's class. I hated going to the doctor's office. They always told me that I weighed too much for my age, even though I was thin and tall, and it was mainly muscle. Of course, I didn't know that at the time. All I heard was that I was fat, and that was bad.  Basically, people's comments got to me. I hated being perceived, I hated looking at myself. I was convinced I'd never find anyone who'd find me attractive, and because of that, I'd be alone forever. Eventually, I was proven wrong. 

    When I was 14, a guy who was in band with me asked me out. He told me he thought I was pretty, and so talented and smart. The problem was, He was 18 years old. Yeah. At first, I was flattered, and part of me wanted to say yes. I was desperate for any kind of male validation. But the majority of me screamed no. One, because he was so much older than me, and two, I was not at all attracted to him in any way (*cough* lesbian *cough*). However, I was such a people pleaser, I told him I'd think about it. I ended up telling my best friend (who is a year older than me) about the guy who asked me out. And he was appalled. 

    At the time, I didn't realize that I was being groomed. Looking back, it is pretty obvious. He'd walk with me alone, always try to catch me and talk to me as I was coming out of the bathroom. If I was asking people what dress I should wear for a concert, he always would suggest the shorter one. He would always sit next to me during band, and move his chair close. There were times he even touched and tickled me. I can't blame myself for not realizing, I was only 14. But I told my best friend, and he knew. He threatened the guy and told him to stay away from me. After that, he left me alone and moved on to another girl. We barely spoke after that, but I wasn't bothered.

    I mention all of this, to help you to understand just how insecure I was about my appearance. I could've put myself into a position of possible abuse, just because I craved validation. Luckily, I never was put in that position. I was smarter than that, and my friend helped protect me too. But still. My insecurity was becoming dangerous. Yet, my mom didn't seem to realize that. She would push her own insecurities onto me, constantly be on me about my eating habits and my weight. She would disguise it as her wanting to "save me from the same mistakes she made". My whole existence was being monitored. I was forced into diets with her, and nagged constantly. I was hyper-aware of my appearance, and she didn't seem to realize a lot of it was her fault. Her behavior led me to what happened next...

    During my sophomore and junior years of high school, I got into a friendship with people who were also insecure, like me. They, however, handled their insecurities differently than me. While I was very self-deprecating, they acted on their insecurities by calling me ugly and fat "as a joke". Again, at the time I didn't realize how toxic that friendship was. I thought it was all just jokes. But of course, it still hurt my feelings anyway and affected me deeply. I never wore any revealing clothes, I dressed incredibly modestly. Rarely did my outfits deviate from a basic t-shirt and jeans. I didn't learn how to do make-up, because I was scared I'd look ugly, or people would make comments if it looked bad. I wanted to blend in. I didn't want to be perceived. And those "friends" fed into those insecurities of mine. They said what they knew would hurt me, and it did. 

    Those friends were a year older than me, so eventually they graduated. And when they did, I took the opportunity and ghosted them. I felt a little bad, but I TRIED to have a conversation, and they didn't want to have it. So I just stopped talking to them. After that, I felt free. My self-confidence slowly got better. I began my hair care journey and started coming out of my shell more. Boys showed interest and were kind and complimentary of me. I appreciated it (obviously it was compulsory heterosexuality but that's a convo for another day). I was finally starting to feel good. The beginning of 2020 was when the encounter with that girl from the beginning happened, and I finally realized that I WAS pretty. Maybe not to everyone, but to some. I began to understand that beauty is subjective and that I really shouldn't care that much about what people thought of me! Then the pandemic hit. 

    I've spoken about what my pandemic experience was like already, so I'll keep it short. I started working out and lost quite a bit of weight during the first few months of the pandemic. Unfortunately, after I started college, I wasn't as consistent and gained it back., plus more. I was in a depression, and I slowly began to feel all of my old insecurities slowly returning. Then I went to college, and took a psychology class. I learned about how childhood trauma can make you insecure, and how parents' behaviors can shape how you view yourself. I learned about body positivity and body neutrality, I met other people of color who grew up in primarily white towns and were also incredibly insecure about their appearance. I realized that I'm not ugly, but that the environment I grew up in groomed me into believing that I am.

     It has been a couple years since then, and I am finally in a place where I feel comfortable in my skin. I can look in the mirror each day and put on makeup. I can take pictures of myself without filters. I wear whatever I want, instead of hiding. When people compliment me, most of the time, I believe them. There are so many people who have inspired me too, and made me realize that I am worthy of love, not only from others, but from myself.  

    Before I conclude this blog, I wanted to add a link to this mashup cover from my guilty pleasure show, Glee. It is called Pretty/Unpretty, which is where I stole the title of this blog from. For context, the two characters in the scene, Rachel and Quinn, are singing about how they are both insecure about their appearances in their own ways. Rachel is singing about her lack of confidence in her looks when compared to Quinn, who she considers beautiful. And Quinn sings to express her jealousy towards Rachel, who she thinks is naturally beautiful, as Quinn had to change her appearance completely to be seen as beautiful by others. It is a moving scene that I really connected to when I first watched the show, and I think the content ties into the theme of this blog.  

    This self-love journey is so incredibly difficult, and don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of insecurities that I am constantly working on. I occasionally have doubts if someone is lying when they are complimenting me, and I still have those horrible intrusive thoughts once in a while. But I know how to deal with it better now. I know that I'm not alone. And I know that I AM pretty, just as I am unpretty. One day, I hope to feel as beautiful as that girl from the bathroom thinks I am. With time, I think I will. Thank you for reading. Y'all are beautiful. See you soon. 

XOXO

- Rach