The Duality of Mortality

     “For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.”― Kahlil Gibran

                  

     Several days ago, I had a crisis. Funnily enough, it was triggered by Greta Gerwig's new movie "Barbie", a film which I loved every second of. I loved the colors and the actors' performances. I grinned at the music, laughed at the jokes, and cried at the emotional segments. That movie has become one of my forever favorites, and it got even better on the second viewing. Yes, I have seen it twice in one week. Despite all of the joy this film brought me, it also happened to trigger a week-long emotional breakdown. Similar to the main character in the film, I have been suffering from irrepressible thoughts of death. 

    If you haven't seen the film, this is probably going to be confusing as hell for you, so I won't linger on the comparison for too much longer. But I do think it was important for me to address what prompted all of the thoughts I will be sharing in this blog today, so here is your official spoiler warning for Barbie. In the film, Barbie finds herself having an existential crisis, where she is questioning her mortality. Throughout the film, she begins to learn more about herself and what it means to be human. The movie ends with Barbie choosing to become human, and leaving her perfect world behind, in exchange for a life of meaning that, yes, will inevitably end in death. 

    The ending was beautiful, and I believe it was a fitting conclusion for an incredible film full of lessons that everyone can learn from. Both times I saw the film, I left the theatre with a smile on my face and tear stains on my cheeks. Barbie's journey got me thinking about my own. I thought about her decision to leave behind a perfect life of infinite possibilities in exchange for the life of a human. A life that is guaranteed to end in death,..

    I have had a strange relationship with death and loss throughout my life thus far. My parents had my brother and I when they were older, so we have suffered through many losses of family and friends. Both sets of our grandparents have died, as have aunts, uncles, and cousins. Even more have I seen the deaths of our pets. Our family has always had tons of animals, and with that, comes the eventual loss of them. I was introduced to death at the young age of 2, when one of our dogs had to be put down. Since then, I have witnessed the deaths of so many of our animals, and have begun to feel numb towards it. 

    After each loss, my mom seemed shocked that I no longer would cry. I think she believed there as something wrong with me, or thought that I was some kind of sociopath. That is just not the case. I honestly fell like I have run out of tears to shed. Death is a part of life. If I am going to continue living, I will continue to witness death. Over and over again. Of course, I still mourn people. My grandpa has been the biggest loss in my life, and one that I still immensely struggle with to this day. But I have accepted that it was his time. And I know that we can't run from death. 

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   I cannot deny that I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. There was a time in my life where I genuinely believed death was the best option for me. I rarely discussed it with anyone, and when I did, the responses I was met with made me believe that I shouldn't talk about it at all. My mental health has gone through many ups and downs over the years, and there have been times where I did not think I could ever be happy. When I was going through this, I always viewed death as a release. A state of being where I was not being. I would have no worries, no depression or anxiety, because I would cease to exist. To me, that sounded glorious. Sometimes, I still view it in that way. 

   But then again, there is the other side of death. The side where we see it happen to others, to those we love. There is an emptiness that comes with it. A deep sadness and longing, that we can never completely escape from. Death leaves wounds in our hearts that will never fully heal. There is a duality to it. When I look upon mortality in this way, I realize that I never want to cause anyone that insurmountable pain. It is simply not fair, to them, or, quite frankly, to myself. No matter how much pain I may be in, I know now that it is temporary. And despite being brought into this world against my will, I deserve to make the most out of my life. I deserve to be in love, and to be loved. I deserve a chance to find happiness, and enjoy my time being alive. I deserve to live. 

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    I've been attempting to write this post for 2 weeks, because I wasn't sure how to word some of my thoughts on this topic. I also have been struggling with writing in general lately. I think I have been writing so much this year, that I have begun to grow exhausted of it. I wanted this post to be deep, and sentimental and long and perfect. But I decided to settle with this. I created this blog so that I could be honest, and express myself. Not to uphold myself to an impossible standard. I chastised the idea of perfectionism the first post I ever made for this blog. I intent to continue practicing what I preach, and not take myself or my work too seriously. So, this post is short, and a bit all over the place. But it's okay, because I didn't limit myself, and was honest and real. Thank you for reading, I'll see y'all soon. 

XOXO

 - Rach