One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Pleaser

     I recently saw a post on Instagram that stated how people pleasers cause their own demise because they will never feel like their love and actions are being reciprocated. After I read that, I thought to myself, Damn. You got me. Ever since I was a child, I have always felt an incessant need to make sure everyone around me was happy or satisfied. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to be funny and sweet, someone that everybody wanted to be around. I molded my personality and behaviors to match those around me, agreeing with their opinions and preferences. I so desperately wanted to be someone people could be comfortable around, and yet, my deep self-loathing and insecurities had caused this want to become so much more debilitating than it may appear. 

    I now know that the term for what I am is a people pleaser, and although I see this terminology thrown around a lot, I do not think a lot of those using it truly understand how deep it goes for some of us. For me, my people-pleasing feels like a program that was built into me that I am trying so desperately to remove. It makes me feel almost monster-like. A one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people-pleaser haha. I feel both completely disingenuous, yet accommodating and empathetic at the same time. It gives me comfort in knowing the people I am interacting with are happy, yet it causes me a deep feeling of pain and loneliness, knowing that I never feel like I can speak up for myself. I know that my anxiety has a lot to do with it, and knowing that has helped me in how I have begun to approach this issue recently. However, after living so many years with this guise and existing in social situations as a people pleaser my whole life, it remains nearly impossible to break out of that mold.

    As I said, I started people-pleasing when I was a child. I always tried so hard all throughout school, because I was scared not only of failure but of disappointing my teachers and parents. I was a teacher's pet and was always super kind to all of my classmates, even those who bullied me. I would actively allow people to bully me actually, because I did not want them to feel badly about themselves or me. Socially, I would mold myself to be the perfect version that those around me would like. I listened to all of their interests and opinions, asked questions often and just was accommodating for everything. If someone asked me what game I wanted to play, every time, I would say "I don't know, what do you want to do?". The fear of saying what I wanted to do and the other person rejecting it was stronger than my want to play that game. This happened with choosing where to go to eat and deciding what movies to watch, basically with any choice ever. I always deferred to the rest of my group. And I still do. 

    As I grew older, the people-pleasing evolved and became more harmful. I've talked about the situation where I was almost groomed on here before, and how if my friend hadn't intervened, I would have most likely ended up in a predatory and abusive situation. I was so bent on making those around me happy, and so horrified with the idea of being in an uncomfortable social situation that I would have actively placed myself in a dangerous environment rather than speaking up for myself. This was a trend that continued throughout high school, and throughout some of my friendships that were very harmful for me mentally.

    My senior year of high school, I began to think more about my relationships and how I behave in them. I started to realize that I put so much into all of my relationships, and more often than not, I was not receiving the same kind of care and energy in return. The most notable of these relationship was one with a friend I had know since I was 8. We had been incredibly close, all through grade school, yet I never truly felt like they loved or cared about me in the same way I did them. There have been so many examples throughout the years, more than I can count, of times where they've let me down, or shown me where their true priorities are. And finally, about a year and a half ago, I finally realized that I needed to stop. Being so invested in that relationship had become harmful for me. I was beginning to be resentful, and I thought it was so unfair that they would never put as much effort into our friendship as I would. So, I decided I would stop people-pleasing with them. I would stop putting in so much effort to accommodate them, to make them feel better for all of the excuses and canceled plans. For ignoring me, and so much more. I realized that placing so much investment into a relationship that was giving me nothing but pain would never be good for me. Granted, I could argue that it wasn't fair of me to place so much hope and trust into one relationship, but at the same time this was a lifelong friend who I had given chance after chance, and we had had so many talks about their flakiness and inconsistency. I realized that I just can't maintain a friendship like that, it was taking everything from me. So, I adjusted the way that I viewed my relationship with them, and now, they are more of a casual friend. Someone I see once or twice a year, and I am happy with that. 

    Reestablishing that relationship in my head and stopping people-pleasing with that person was one of the best things I did for myself. The anxiety and hopelessness I would constantly feel about that relationship disappeared. I realized that connecting my self-worth with my relationships in that way is just so incredibly unhealthy. I still do it in many ways, including my current relationship and friendships. However, at least now, I am self-aware enough to be able to point it out. I notice it when I work, and when I am in college. Luckily, I find it easier to disagree with people whose opinions don't matter to me more than I used to. In the past, I found myself people-pleasing with every single person I came across, which was exhausting. Now, it's reserved more for people I care about and respect. But that can make it difficult as well, especially for those in my life who are aware of this issue. Sometimes my friends will prod me for my opinion, or ask if I'm telling them how I really feel. But what they don't realize is that that is also anxiety-inducing, because I'm wondering to myself Are they mad at me? Oh what do I say, what if they will hate me? Oh I am so annoying; how can they deal with me? People pleasing is a psychological phenomenon, it makes you sick, because it requires you to abandon yourself so others can thrive. 

    I am tired of people-pleasing. I am tired of my sense of worth coming from being needed. I'm tired of feeling like everything is my fault. Of repeatedly forgiving others who refuse to change. Of not being able to express my feelings when I am upset. Of constantly saying "yes", even when I need to say no. Of not standing up for myself. Of being passive with my issues and concerns. Of being a constant crutch for others, when I myself am burnt out. Of always apologizing, because I cannot stand the thought of others being upset with me. Of agreeing to plans when I know I need rest. Of being everyone's support system but my own. I am so. Tired. 

    I was built to be a caretaker. I love helping people. I am empathetic, and I love those close to me with such a deepness. Yet, I have (and do) tolerated so much pain, and my efforts not being reciprocated, because I don't want to lose people. But I now realize that I need to establish boundaries, or else I may lose myself along the way too. I need to fight the urge to keep my needs and feelings to myself out of fear and shame. I need to stop denying my own reality, and blaming myself for how I react or feel about things. I need to start sharing my thoughts and feelings, because honestly, if the people around me no longer love me because I'm sharing my truth, then perhaps they were not right for me in the first place. I cannot be the sole person holding a relationship together anymore. And although it may be true that I may never feel like all of my love and actions are reciprocated, I need to find peace with that. I need to be satisfied with the love I carry in myself, and for myself. I need to work to validate myself, and not always be craving it from those around me (even though it is nice haha).  I need to learn to sit with the discomfort that others' happiness is not always my responsibility, and that suppressing parts of myself in order to be loved is the worst thing I could do. 

    One day, I hope to completely overcome my people-pleasing, and be able to help people and be accommodating in a healthy way that doesn't negatively impact me mentally. I have been making progress, little by little, and I know that one day, my hopes may be realized. Until then, I just need to take things day by day and remind myself that the first person I need to please first, is me.  

    I didn't cover a lot, but for a while, this has been a topic on my list. It's another big struggle of mine that I have thinking about and working on quite a bit recently, so I wanted to share it with you all. Thank you for reading, and as always, I'll see you soon. 

XOXO

- Rach