Why I'll Never Have Children

  Happy New Year! I am manifesting that everyone has an incredible 2024 full of happiness, love, and success. I decided to start off the new year with a topic that I have been wanting to speak about on here for a very long time. I waited because I wanted to make sure I had the right words to explain my feelings on the subject. I think I finally found them, so, here we are. 

**********

     I love kids. I always have. When I was still a child, I was ecstatic over the idea of one day becoming a mother. I was the little girl who always had a baby doll that I was carrying. I loved pretending to be a caretaker, and playing house. I would tell my family how excited I was to get married and have children one day. I wanted three of them: two girls, and one boy. I was 11 years old, begging to hold every baby I saw, despite still being one myself. I began babysitting at 12, and continued all the way through to the end of high school. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. After all, I love children. I knew from a young age I wanted to leave a positive impact on my students, and create an environment where they feel safe, and know they can trust me. I love kids. But I will NEVER have children of my own.

    These days, the idea of having children not only sets my heart into a series of fast-paced palpitations but it fills me with a sense of loathing and dread. The thought of pregnancy and birth is horrific to me, yet the physical consequences of having a child is not the only qualm I have with the idea. I am not fit to be a mother, because I am selfish. When I am able to live alone and own my own home and have my own money, I want it to be my own. I want to be able to live my life for myself, not for a child. I want to be my own person, not so-in-so's mom. If I become a mother, that will forever become my identity. I would be fated to be a caregiver forever, and every part of me that lived before that would be stripped from me. With that mindset, I am just not fit to be a mother.
    
    If I became a mother, I would give my child everything. Every part of myself, and my belongings. All that is mine would be theirs. I'd want them to feel as loved as possible, and I would provide them with that love with the entirety of my being. I would give away so much, that there would not be much of me left. I'm scared of that. I want to be me forever. I already give away so much of myself to those around me. What do I have left to give? I fear that over time, I may brew a resentment towards my child. And that would not be fair. Because I believe that as a parent, you SHOULD give your child everything. To be a good parent, you need to raise them and pass down as much goodness as possible. How can I do that while mourning myself and my old life at the same time? 

    I cannot be mother. What if I fail my child? If I give away everything, yet they still suffer? What if the person I decide to parent with, gives up and leaves? What if THEY don't bring enough to the table, and I end up doing the blunt of the childcare and raising? I couldn't bare it. Any of it. What if despite all of my efforts, my child ends up resenting me? It's not their responsibility to love me. It would not have been their choice to be brought into the world.. Yet I would still feel owed that love. So I refuse to be a mother, because I would not be able to accept that. I would feel jaded. Neglected. Alone. I refuse to put myself in that position. I love too strongly, and without that reciprocation, it would be like leaving me without air. I don't even know how to be a daughter. How could I be a mother?

    They say women who refuse to have children are selfish. There may be some truth that, especially for my own personal reasons. I, however, believe the opposite. People who choose to have children are selfish. Many want to "continue their legacy", and do not actually care about the lives and well-beings of their children. Many only do it because it is societal standard to have children, and that incessant need to comfortably fit into the status quo is selfish. Perhaps they do not want to disturb the peace, get questions from family on why they don't have kids yet. They would rather bring life into a world of misery rather than stand up to those societal expectations imposed upon them. Some people just want children to fuel their ego, and have someone to love them unconditionally. It is pretty self-explanatory as to why that is selfish. I know people who have children merely to prove to themselves how great of parents they could be. How they could do better than their own parents, to "break the cycle", or other sentiments of that nature. Though on the surface it may seem selfless, it is not. You are doing it for YOURSELF. Not for your children. Not your family. YOU. The only way to truly break the cycle, is to get rid of it altogether. To not have children. 

    So, please, go on. Tell me I'll change my mind in 10 years. Give me every positive you can think of about motherhood. Tell me I just haven't met the right person to parent with yet. Remind me I'll miss out on one of the greatest experiences humanity has to offer. Tell me I'm not a real woman because I'm not a mother. Tell me I have no idea what it's actually like, so I have no say in the matter. Tell me I'm dramatic. Tell me I'll be a great mother, because I'm a good person. Tell me I shouldn't give up the opportunity to bring goodness into the world. Tell me I am selfish. You could be right. About all of it. But I don't care. I. Will NOT. Become a mother. Ever. I don't deserve it. My CHILD doesn't deserve it. If I am selfish, for trying to save my child from myself, then so be it. I love children. But I will never be a mother. 

    I've been wanting to talk about this on here for a while, and I may add on more or even make a new post about the same topic in the future. However this is the summary of my thoughts regarding motherhood at the moment. I don't think it is in the cards for me, and those around me are going to have to come to terms with that instead of hoping I'll change my mind over time. I know what I want from this life that I did not ask for, and becoming a mother is not something that I want. If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. I'll see y'all soon. 

XOXO
- Rach
    
    








Comments

Post a Comment

Popular Posts

That's Life: An Overview of the In-Betweener

        I know what you must be thinking. Well, well, well, look who decided to come crawling back after her ten months of chronic absenteeism. To that, I say...exactly. You would be correct in that assessment. In my defense, I started graduate school soon after my last post, and also was working on my campus simultaneously. The workload was a lot, especially when it came to writing, so there was little for me to give when it came to writing personally in my free time. I felt drained. Could I have started back up during my winter break from school? Certainly. Did I? No, I did nott. Not because I had given up on it, not because I was done with writing. I simply decided to focus on reading instead. I read the entirety of the ACOTAR series for the first time, which was very thrilling indeed. I'll admit that it got me back into reading, and I am now on my 11th book of the year. I know it's not much, but that is the most books that I have read in a very long time, an...
Read more

A Pisces' Guide to Love

Image
     I have always been a person who loves very deeply. No matter what kind of love it may be, platonic or romantic, the people I love will always be aware of it. They will constantly be showered with appreciation, words of affirmation, and affection., I will defend them wholeheartedly, I will support them through everything. If a loved one asked me to come over because they just needed a hug, I would drop everything instantly to be there.  I will make countless sacrifices for my loved ones.  I will do anything for them.      Many people may say I display the exact same feelings about love that Pisces placements do. That would be true, because I happen to be one lol.  Now, I have never been huge into astrology in the past. But recently, I have been enjoying learning about it and discovering my and my friends' placements. Of course, it isn't all science-based facts, but it is fun to see how people classify and whether they identify with t...
Read more

Hey! I Just Met You, So Call Me Crazy

     Ever since I was young, I have felt different. Not because I was secretly queer, nor because I was the only woman of color in my classes, although both those factors contributed to my isolation. I felt different, because of how my brain worked. I overanalyzed situations constantly. I always felt like I was a character, in some sort of massive game. Like I was being controlled, and the things that were happening to me were some kind of divine intentionality. I was always extremely self-aware, to a point of concern. I always felt overwhelmed by everything, never able to choose isolated things to focus on. I never found it particularly easy to befriend people, because I genuinely do not understand what they could like about me, or what they would gain from being my friend. I realized recently that I have a hard time opening up to people, and am slow to trust and form close bonds. That is why so many of my friendships from when I was young seemed so surface-level to me, ...
Read more