Contemporarily In Color: 2023 Wrapped

      Well, we made it! 2023 is officially over, and, damn, I have a lot to reflect on. I know it's March, and far from the new year. I'm sorry!! I've been so busy, and have had this post in the drafts for quite a long time now. However, I found some time today and knew it was time to finish this post. So many things have happened in my life this past year. In this post, I hope to recount my year and reframe the experiences in terms of my third year of adulthood. This may be a long post, but I have a lot to say, and I truly feel like I have had growth in so many areas this year. I'm excited to share this look-back with you all. 

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    In January of 2023, I left a job that I had been at for over a year. This was a big step for me, because I decided to stand up for my morals instead of being silent. I refused to stay employed at a place that didn't want me. This wasn't the only reason for my departure, but it was a huge one. I also decided to leave due to the schedule that I would have for school that upcoming semester. So, I had a few weeks off before returning to school. No work, no classes (besides two small ones). Just me, left alone with my thoughts, and with more free time than I had had in years. At first, I didn't know what to do with all the time. I scrolled endlessly and watched videos and shows. Went out occasionally. But I quickly grew bored. That's when I decided to start reading again. I used to be an incredibly active reader, but over the years, as time slipped through my fingers and my days became filled with drudgery, I quickly lost this hobby. It was sad, and I mourned that loss for a while. until I quit my job. I picked up the hobby again and was instantly so happy that I did. I promised myself that I would never lose it again, and would continue to read no matter how busy I got. Throughout the rest of the year, I managed to keep this promise. To this day, I still haven't let myself down. The rest of January was spent reading and writing, and I enjoyed the break that had been a long time coming. 

    At the end of January, I returned to school and also started my second student-teaching placement. Throughout February I adjusted, worked hard, and continued writing and reading. I began animal sitting more frequently to make money, as I had quit my official job. It helped me to pay for gas throughout the semester. I grew a lot this month in terms of discipline when it came to my spending and patience when it came to my classmates, who often frustrated me. 

    March was the month that I first met my girlfriend in person. We had spent so much time talking about when we'd see each other, but it had never felt real to me until I saw her that day. It happened exactly a year ago today, actually. The way we first saw one another felt like it was straight out of a movie, rain and all. The moment I first embraced them was probably one of the happiest of my life, I don't think much will top it. I knew then that our bond was different than anything that I had felt with anyone before, and that we would be in each other's lives forever, no matter what happened. The rest of March I spent a lot of time mourning the fact that we were so far from one another, yet at the same time I was overjoyed with having been able to see him in the first place. During that month, I learned a lot about myself, and how scary it was to feel so strongly for another person that I felt physical pain being separated from them. However, I think that in itself is a testament to love, and how it shows itself within us.

    I don't remember much about April. I worked hard in classes, and found myself worrying about the future. I created this blog during that month though, and it became a second outlet for me. I am so glad that I did too. May was....interesting. My best friend was going through a breakup, so a lot of the next month was spent with her. She was in pain, and I felt so terribly. I did my best to support her, and be with her during that time, which I hope was positive for her. I remember being nervous about going into my senior year of undergad, and I remember being unsure of what I was going to do for work over the summer. I ended up applying for a banking position as a teller, and getting the job. I lucked out, because it was only a summer job and I could return to it during my winter break from school as well. It worked out perfectly. 

    June flew by pretty quickly. My brother graduated from high school, I spent a lot of time with my friends. I worked, and had fun. I was enjoying myself. July was the month of the Barbie movie, which I was so excited about and still love, despite feeling like it has now become completely over-saturated. I am a little sick of it, I won't lie lol. Anyway, my friends and I all dressed up to see it and had a great time. July was a bit of a mental struggle month for me. My job at the bank was so monotonous, and I realized I didn't think that I could survive in the 9-5 capitalistic world we live in. A depression set in. I contemplated whether everything I was doing was going to be worth it. If the life and future I fantasized about was ever even possible. I cried, and struggled and cried more. I kept it to myself, despite occasional talks with my girlfriend. They suggested I get a therapist, something I had been subconsciously avoiding for a while. I had convinced myself that I wasn't traumatized enough to have a therapist. Nor was I depressed enough. Both are obviously ridiculous claims, but it was how I felt. Finally, I decided to make an appointment towards the end of July. I found a woman who took my insurance, but her availability wasn't until September. I remember being distraught over this, thinking that I probably wouldn't even make it until September. I was wrong.

    August came and went quickly. I had my last day at my summer job, and the next weekend made the second trip to visit my girlfriend. Again, it was a beautiful time that left me aching with sadness afterwards, because the joy was so palpable. I returned back to school after the trip, and had my first therapy appointment the week after in September. I was surprised at how easy it was for me to talk to someone I didn't know. I had two sessions in that month, and learned that not only should everyone go to therapy, but that I was more deeply traumatized and fucked in the head than I had previously thought. 

    In October, I continued working hard in school. I had joined a scholarship program for teachers of color that was reimbursing me for travel costs, which aided heavily with my financial situation. I also had gotten scholarships that had paid for my tuition, so a large burden was lifted. I had began attending my new student teaching placement, which was where I would be for the rest of my time in undergrad. My girlfriend came to visit me in my state for the first time. He met some of my friends, and we had so much fun. I think we bonded a lot during that trip as well. I also got incredibly sick towards the end of October, which has left me with a shifted appetite and food tolerance since. In therapy, I got an official OCD, PTSD and ADHD diagnosis, which helped explain a lot of my mental struggles. I felt like my eyes were opened for the first time, and that I could truly start my mental health journey in a way that I previously couldn't.

    November was hard. Mentally, physically, just every way. I remember struggling to finish my school work, struggling to get myself out of bed. I remember feeling worthless, unloved, and dispensible. I was not feeling like anyone was seeing me, I felt so alone. I was not sure if I was going to make it. The beginning of December felt the same. I kept pushing through, however, and I now understand that I was being tested. I made it through that time, despite questioning myself, my relationship, and my friendships. If I made it through that, than I can make it through other things too. I needed to go through that patch to toughen myself up for the future, to learn patience, with both myself and with those around me. November and December taught me that I DO need to advocate for myself, while also keeping the empathy that I always carry with me. ANd I am grateful for that lesson. 

    Last year was hard. I had some of my highest highs, and my lowest lows. I celebrated joy, while also idealizing suicide. I was highly self-critical, and unstable at times, scaring even myself with how I was thinking. And yet, I made it through. Overall, 2023 was one of the best years of my life. I grew close with so many people, I fell deeply in love for the first time. I re-established myself and my goals, rediscovered hobbies, and introduced new ones as well. I began discovering my style, and grew more comfortable with my identity and explored faith more. I started therapy, and learned more about myself through that. I feel like I am more intellectual now, yet also more childish. I am finding the balance between acting silly and having fun, while also being an intelligent young person with strong feelings. 

    Coming out of 2023, I think I had a lot of fear for the future. But so far, I don't think a lot of it has been warranted. Sure, I always have a worry about what will come. But I think now, I feel more ready knowing what I have been through and continue to go through. I am stronger than I think, and I feel that I often underestimate myself. I hope that 2024 is my best year yet. I look forward to the future. To grow and change. In my 4th year of adulthood, I have finally caught my stride, yet I am learning language, and experiencing things for the first time at a quick pace. I am learning how to socialize, and just beginning to figure out my place in the world. It's my last year as a toddler, so I guess I should have some fun this year and make it count while I still can. 

    Thank you 2023 for all of the lessons. One day in the future, when my memory isn't as prime, I hope to look back on this post and be reminded of all of the good this year gave me. How each moment should be significant, despite all we experience in this life. Here's to 2024, a new year with new lessons, where I hope to better myself evermore.

    If you're reading this, thank you. I'm sorry again it has been so long. I will do my best to be consistent with posting. I love writing, and I love sharing. Y'all are the best, I'll see you soon.

XOXO

- Rach