The Lone Ranger

     My late grandfather loved "The Lone Ranger." He had knickknacks of him all over his house, from posters, toys, and mugs to films and CDs of the theme music. I remember watching the show with him as a child, wondering if the Ranger was ever lonely. He traveled from town to town, helping those who crossed his path and fighting off bad guys. He would kiss a girl, save a town, and then be on his way.  I thought to myself, is he fulfilled? Does the Lone Ranger wish to stay somewhere, maybe build a home, or start a family? Does he fantasize for more than a life of solitude? Well, no. I mean, he is literally called "The Lone Ranger." It is in his name. His whole purpose is to travel alone and help all the people he meets along the way. It is his entire prerogative. Of course, I did not think too deeply about this. One time, I did ask my grandfather if he believed the Ranger ever did get lonely. He responded by saying, "Doesn't everyone sometimes?". Hm. A bit of a cop-out answer, Grandpa. But it did the trick and stopped me from questioning. He was right, though. I suppose everyone DOES get lonely once in a while. I know I do.

    **********

    I graduated college about a week ago. I spent the whole weekend surrounded by people who support me, who love me, and who are proud of me. I was assaulted with kind words and well wishes. Questioned about my future, hugged and smiled at. I am grateful. Of course, I am. I am an incredibly privileged and lucky person. I have a lot of people in my life who....care for me. But for some reason, it is when the focus is on me that I feel the most alone. 

    I feel horrible for even having these feelings. It makes me feel like a terrible person. And maybe I am. Maybe I am a villain here, and I am selfish. Maybe recognizing how incredibly flawed I am makes me good. I do not know. What I do know is that despite this support system I apparently have around me, I feel incredibly lonely. All the time. And I don't know why. 

    I think part of me maybe does not believe that the people in my life actually care for me or love me. That them showing up for me is out of obligation, rather than an actual care for me. But part of me knows this isn't true, and it's just my mind creating these depressing fantasies to torture itself with. But how am I to ever actually know? If I ask, how do I know they'll be truthful? It could just be another part of the act. I find myself acting so often. Putting on a facade, as I have mentioned many times in the past. What if others are doing the same thing to me? How sad is that....one of my biggest fears, is my support system being like me. How cruel of a person am I, then? Imagine how they would all feel, knowing I cannot truly be myself with anyone. Anyone but myself. Of course I am lonely! Why must I torment myself in this way?? How can I escape it?? I have tried, but I do not think I can. I hold too much fear of disappointing those around me. That I am not the person they want me to be. That I never will be. No wonder I am lonely. I cannot even stand myself. How could anyone else if they knew me?

    Perhaps I feel lonely because I am a women of color in a white town. I have grown up surrounded by people who look nothing like me. Besides an absent father, and a sibling who didn't understand, who did I have? I was on my own. So I moved alone. Still pretending. The only person who I feel truly understands me moved away. He left me alone. So I turn to my family. The only woman in my house was white. I love my mother, and would never trade her for anything. But I know she will never truly understand me, or my experience. Neither will my brother or father. They are not women, nor are they gay. I am alone in that as well. I went to college and enveloped myself in Black spaces. Trying to find community. But I found it hard. I did not grow up in the same circumstances as many of them. I was not from the city, and the absence of my father left me estranged from a lot of Black culture. Most of what I learned, was from the friends I met in college. But those friends were few and far between. Our lack of shared experience made it harder for me to bond with many of them, or find my place. I was pretending, once again. I was lost. I am lost. I am alone in my household. I am alone in my friend group. In my family. Where can I go? To find community? To feel free, and understood? Perhaps the internet. I have found community there before. But what kind of life is that? To live online? The only way for me to feel heard, is through a screen? No. That cannot be my life. Right? Even on there, it doesn't feel genuine. I am still curating every word I send carefully. I am building up who I am, showing people the side they want to see. No, not even they know me. My words are being sent out into nothingness. Leaving me alone again.

    Who knows me? Do I even know myself? Where is my refuge? Each night, I lie alone in my bed, holding myself. Comforting myself. I wonder if I will ever feel arms besides my own that will comfort me, and lead me to feel less lonely? Can I trust it? I'm truly not sure. Part of all of this may be trust issues. I was enlightened recently that I have those haha. I am aware that part of it is my own fabrications, but I also do not believe that I am completely off. I have been lonely for so long, I wonder if I'll ever truly escape it. Perhaps I need to learn to live with it. Maybe even embrace it, like the Lone Ranger. Maybe I'll go about my life, helping those around me, taking in the accolades. But go to bed alone at night. Both physically and metaphorically. Perhaps I need to make peace, knowing that I will end my days by myself, and that that is not necessarily a bad thing.

    I can't force others to love me, or ask them to convince me that they do. I cannot know if I'll ever truly feel in community with anyone. But I can learn to love myself. I can enjoy things by myself and treat myself. I can take myself on dates, praise myself, and comfort myself. I can accept myself as I am, and enjoy my own company. That way, I'll never feel alone, because I'll have myself. And maybe that's not such a bad person to have. 

******

    Hopefully this post makes sense. Quite frankly, I am exhausted, and was feeling, well, lonely lol. I needed to talk about it, so here we are! I'm sorry for my absence, it has been a hectic few months. Expect more posts regularly, now that I am out of school, and finished student-teaching. As always, thank you all for reading. See you soon.

XOXO

- Rach