Contemporarily In Color

     Ever since I was young, I have felt different. Not because I was secretly queer, nor because I was the only woman of color in my classes, although both those factors contributed to my isolation. I felt different, because of how my brain worked. I overanalyzed situations constantly. I always felt like I was a character, in some sort of massive game. Like I was being controlled, and the things that were happening to me were some kind of divine intentionality. I was always extremely self-aware, to a point of concern. I always felt overwhelmed by everything, never able to choose isolated things to focus on. I never found it particularly easy to befriend people, because I genuinely do not understand what they could like about me, or what they would gain from being my friend. I realized recently that I have a hard time opening up to people, and am slow to trust and form close bonds. That is why so many of my friendships from when I was young seemed so surface-level to me, ...

     Growing up, negative emotions were never allowed in my home. Whenever I was mad, I was shut down, and my anger was invalidated. Whenever I was sad, I was told to stop crying, and just breathe. My parents cultivated an almost warlike environment, with my father's battalion of negativity being combatted by my mother's force of toxic positivity. Never have I had a sense of comfortability within my home, although I pathetically sought it constantly, acting as the mediator for my parents throughout my entire life. After much reflection, and many therapy sessions, I have come to the conclusion that these circumstances have effected me profoundly. For one, I struggle immensely to confess my true feelings to people, due to a looming fear of rejection. Additionally, this fear leads me to pushing down my feelings. or succumbing to the desires of others despite my own objections. Today, I would like to explore these struggles of mine on a deeper level,    ************...

     My late grandfather loved "The Lone Ranger." He had knickknacks of him all over his house, from posters, toys, and mugs to films and CDs of the theme music. I remember watching the show with him as a child, wondering if the Ranger was ever lonely. He traveled from town to town, helping those who crossed his path and fighting off bad guys. He would kiss a girl, save a town, and then be on his way.  I thought to myself, is he fulfilled? Does the Lone Ranger wish to stay somewhere, maybe build a home, or start a family? Does he fantasize for more than a life of solitude? Well, no. I mean, he is literally called "The Lone Ranger." It is in his name. His whole purpose is to travel alone and help all the people he meets along the way. It is his entire prerogative. Of course, I did not think too deeply about this. One time, I did ask my grandfather if he believed the Ranger ever did get lonely. He responded by saying, "Doesn't everyone sometimes?". Hm. ...

      WARNING : There will be some sexual discussion in this post, but there will be nothing too detailed.      Growing up, I never knew I was gay. Sure, I found myself looking at girls in the way that I was supposed to look at guys, but to me, it was merely envy. I thought it was my insecurities, forcing me to stare and think, "Wow, she is absolutely beautiful. I wish I looked like her". Perhaps that was true. Sometimes, it may have been envy. But mainly, it was desire. I wanted to be with these girls in the way "normal" girls wanted to be with boys. I didn't realize this, however, until much later in life. I didn't even begin considering the fact that I may be queer until I was 16. Then, I didn't accept it until I was 18. I didn't even fully come to terms with the fact that I was a lesbian until 2 years ago. To put it frankly, my journey to figuring out my sexuality has not exactly been simple. In fact, I'm still figuring it out. And that is w...

         Well, we made it! 2023 is officially over, and, damn, I have a lot to reflect on. I know it's March, and far from the new year. I'm sorry!! I've been so busy, and have had this post in the drafts for quite a long time now. However, I found some time today and knew it was time to finish this post. So many things have happened in my life this past year. In this post, I hope to recount my year and reframe the experiences in terms of my third year of adulthood. This may be a long post, but I have a lot to say, and I truly feel like I have had growth in so many areas this year. I'm excited to share this look-back with you all.  ***********     In January of 2023, I left a job that I had been at for over a year. This was a big step for me, because I decided to stand up for my morals instead of being silent. I refused to stay employed at a place that didn't want me. This wasn't the only reason for my departure, but it was a huge one. I also...

    Happy New Year! I am manifesting that everyone has an incredible 2024 full of happiness, love, and success. I decided to start off the new year with a topic that I have been wanting to speak about on here for a very long time. I waited because I wanted to make sure I had the right words to explain my feelings on the subject. I think I finally found them, so, here we are.  **********        I love kids. I always have. When I was still a child, I was ecstatic over the idea of one day becoming a mother. I was the little girl who always had a baby doll that I was carrying. I loved pretending to be a caretaker, and playing house. I would tell my family how excited I was to get married and have children one day. I wanted three of them: two girls, and one boy. I was 11 years old, begging to hold every baby I saw, despite still being one myself. I began babysitting at 12, and continued all the way through to the end of high school. I always knew ...